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"My Life"Written By: Gypsie 1201 Song Title and Author: Scars by Papa Roach Rating: R Warnings: Angst, Post EW, Language, Drinking,
Mature Themes Pairings: 1x2, 1x? Category: Angst Summary: Letting go can be painful, especially after you have held on so long. When the day comes though, when you finally discover that strength within yourself to walk away, you will never be the same. A/N: Written for The Vault’s 2005 Spring
Songfic Contest Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of
the characters, just like to borrow them from time to time. Neither
do I own the song “Scars” which was written and performed
by Papa Roach. Feedback: All is welcome and very much appreciated. Beta work by Chelle, who I can’t thank enough.
"My Life "
‘But wasn’t that exactly what you wanted?’ his mind supplied snidely. ‘To be left alone?’ Breathing a slightly disgusted sigh, he lifted the beer bottle in his hand trying to appraise the contents with the help of the light from the kitchen. Unable to determine the amount remaining though, he elected to turn the bottle up finding it empty straight away. Finally letting his frustration take over, he drew back and launched the offending bottle across the room. However, due to his current state of inebriation, the throw lacked its usual effectiveness and the bottle merely struck the wall before landing on the floor still intact. “Yup, pathetic; just like my life,” he muttered as he began the arduous task of levering himself off the couch he had been sitting on for nearly three hours. Finally bringing his feet underneath him, he managed to stand but had to grasp the arm of the couch quickly to keep from tipping over as the room began to spin before his eyes. After a minute, he was able to focus his vision again and daring the laws of gravity, he released the death grip he had on the couch before starting across the living room toward the doorway that separated the room from the kitchen; his intent was to replenish his now extinguished supply of at hand alcohol. As was a common and well-known fact, Duo was not a drinker. It was only on special occasions and at parties that he could be found partaking of a cocktail or two along with everyone else. However, after the absolutely disastrous day he had just had, the stop at the twenty-four hour liquor store seemed like the most natural thing for him to do. Of course, when he arrived home and the realization finally sunk in, he almost emptied it all down the drain. Then he remembered the miserable look on Heero’s face as the blue-eyed young man told Duo about his problems at home, all the while expecting his chestnut-haired friend to hold all the answers to his questions. Suddenly all he wanted to do was forget, if just for one night, if that was all he was allowed; he wanted to forget the pain, the ache, and the longing. Then again, without them, what else would he feel since they were all he had known for the last three and a half years. Quickly shaking off the memories he had managed to bury up until that point, he continued his walk toward the kitchen. He had just reached the doorway when the sound of knocking finally penetrated his alcohol-fogged brain and it took another couple steps before he realized the person had been knocking for a while. Not in the mood to be bothered, he chose to ignore it in hopes that whoever it was would take a hint and leave him alone. Unfortunately, by the time he returned to the living room with another four beers, the person was now hammering on the door and knowing his neighbors, if he did not answer it soon they would call the police. “Alright, all ready, knock it off will ya!” Duo yelled, setting the bottles on the coffee table before heading toward the door, a scowl firmly set on his face. Luckily, his little jaunt to the kitchen had managed to sober him up enough that he could walk relatively straight. However, he was still too intoxicated to remember to check through the peephole before opening the door; perhaps if he had he would not have opened it after all. Instead, as soon as he arrived he grasped the knob and threw the door open with the intent of cursing the person for interrupting his evening. The words instantly died in his throat though, at the sight of the person standing on the other side as he found himself staring in a mixture of shock and growing apprehension. “Heero,” he breathed as he quickly took in the other man’s appearance. Seeing the other young man every day at work did nothing to curve Duo’s desire to look at that perfect body and he used every opportunity fully. Currently, his blue-eyed friend was dressed in a pair of plain blue jeans and a white button-up shirt instead of the uniform Duo was so accustomed to seeing him wear. His head was bowed, although the chestnut-haired man could see the hint of his piercing blue eyes gazing at him through the fall of hair. One hand was still poised in mid-air where he had been beating on the door, while the other clutched a worn looking duffle bag. Feeling a shudder pass through his body at the sight of the duffle, Duo tried desperately to focus his mind through the alcohol and he cursed himself for drinking so much. Instinctually, he knew he should shut the door and pretend as though he had never seen Heero, knowing his heart and sanity could not deal with what that bag represented. However, the sight of the blue-eyed man’s anguished and pleading look struck at the very core of his nature, what made him who he was, and just like the last time he simply could not turn him away. Perhaps, if he had not allowed himself to drink so much, he could have put his walls up that normally kept the man out but instead, he stood back and allowed Heero to enter the apartment, feeling his heart rip open once again. After closing the door and resetting the locks, Duo returned to the couch and the four rapidly warming bottles. He had yet to say anything to his guest and decided he would need all four if he were going to deal with the man that night. Grasping one bottle by the neck, he quickly twisted the cap off before draining nearly half of it. “You’re drinking,” Heero stated in his usual monotone, sending a shiver down Duo’s spine. “No shit Sherlock. Thanks for stating the obvious,” Duo retorted, trying desperately to keep his hands from shaking as he went on the defensive now that his initial shock had worn off. “You shouldn’t drink, Duo.” “I’m old enough to do what I damn well want, Yuy. So don’t try to tell me what I can and can’t do,” he snarled, quickly draining the rest of the beer and tossing it aside before reaching for another. However, before his hand touched the glass, Heero suddenly grabbed his wrist; shocking Duo that he had managed to come so close without him noticing. “I think you’ve had enough,” the blue-eyed young man said softly. “I’ve had enough of a lot of things but that doesn’t stop them from happening, now does it?” Duo said without looking at the man, giving his arm an experimental tug but Heero would not let go. “Duo, I’m…” Heero started but before he could finish, Duo jerked his arm free and stood from the couch, stalking a few paces away before turning and pinning him with his furious violet eyes. “You’re what, Heero?” Duo growled, the alcohol amplifying his emotions and loosing his tongue. He knew he was about to say some things he would probably regret later, but in truth, at that moment he could not have cared less. “You’re sorry? Well so am I, about a lot of things but that doesn’t make it all better, does it? Why the hell are you even here, Heero? Why aren’t you at home, where you’re supposed to be, or did he throw you out again? Tell me, was it a fight like last time? Is that why you’re here? Need a good fuck ‘til he calms down enough so you can go home?” “No, Duo, it’s not--” “Don’t you dare tell me it’s not what I think,” Duo snarled, his hands fisted at his sides. “Dammit, you would’ve thought I learned my lesson last time but I just stood aside and let you walk in the fucking door. I can’t do this, Heero. I can’t keep patching up your broken heart while you keep ripping mine apart.” “Then, why? Why did you open the door and let me in, Duo?” Heero asked softly as he rose from his seat to go stand in front of the slightly, smaller man. Duo opened his mouth to answer but then closed it without saying a word. They both knew why he had let Heero in, why he would always let the man in; no matter how much the blue-eyed man hurt him, he could never stop loving him. However, the realization did not bring him happiness, only more pain and bowing his head he felt tears spring to his eyes as he squeezed them shut, trying desperately to stop the flow. Strong, slender fingers traced along his jaw before stopping under his chin and gently raising his head. Then just as gently, the blue-eyed man drew him into his arms, rubbing his back soothingly as the dam of his tears broke and he found himself sobbing quietly. “I promise,” Heero said softly. “It’ll be different this time.” Desperately, he wanted to believe and he allowed himself to cling to the man. After several minutes, the tremors finally calmed and Duo found himself once more in control of his emotions; the outburst and subsequent breakdown having worked most of the remaining alcohol from his system, leaving him feeling exhausted. As if sensing the change in Duo’s mood, the previously soothing motions of Heero’s hands began to take on a more sensual and seductive feel as they traveled loosely over his back before stealing under his shirt to explore the smooth skin of his back. Despite himself, Duo could not hold back the moan as the dark-haired man cupped his ass and squeezed gently, bringing their bodies fully together. Burying his face in Heero’s neck, he wrapped his arms around the other man as they began rocking their hips together, drawing gasps and moans from them both. Finally, Duo raised his head and seized that tempting mouth he had not tasted for nearly a year in a heated kiss while wrapping both legs around the taller man’s waist; the invitation clear. They made love several times that night. At least that was how Heero referred to the act, making love; Duo on the other hand could not see it as anything other than sex, good sex, but still just sex. Of course, it did not hurt that Heero was an amazing lover and had Duo gasping and begging in no time before bringing him to a screaming climax and with dawn just beginning to color the sky, they finally collapsed on the bed exhausted before falling into a sated sleep. ******************** A few hours later, Duo suddenly snapped awake, the feeling of a warm body pressed up against his back confusing him and his fuzzy memories were not helping until a vivid flash of last night’s activities ran through his mind and he felt himself flush. Ever so gently, he turned over onto his back so he could see Heero’s face as the other man slept peacefully beside him. In sleep, Heero looked several years younger, the hard lines caused by the countless lives he had taken were smoothed out, which gave him an almost innocent air. However, Duo knew they would return as soon as he awoke. At that thought, the violet-eyed man frowned sharply, remembering Heero’s promise from the night before. He also remembered how much he wanted to believe in that promise but in the light of day, he knew he would never be able to, that he would always be waiting for the day Heero walked out the door just as he had walked in last night; returning to his lover and the home they shared. Careful not to wake the sleeping man, Duo slid out of his arms before climbing out of the bed entirely. After pulling on his jeans and t-shirt from last night, he looked down at the sole occupant of the king size bed. Three and a half years ago, at the end of the Mariameia Incident, Duo had finally confessed his feelings for his best friend, hoping they would be able to have something beyond friendship. However, things had not worked out the way he had planned and Heero had chosen someone else to spend the rest of his life with. To say that Duo had been devastated would have been an understatement, but he tried not to hold it against either of them. He and Heero had managed to remain good friends although not as close as before and it had taken a few months for Duo to move past his hurt to even allow that much. It did not help matters either that he had to see the both of them at work every day nor that after a while, Heero started coming to him for relationship advice. Of course, he could never turn the blue-eyed man away, even if every time he sat through a detailed description of their life together, he could feel the knife cut just a little deeper. Heero never did it on purpose though; he just assumed this was what friends should do for one another. When the day came a year and a half ago, that Heero
showed up at his door with that damned duffle bag in his hand and
tears in his eyes, Duo had absolutely no idea what to do. Evidently,
the fight had been severe enough that the blue-eyed man had left with
the intention of never returning and knowing Duo still harbored feelings
for him, he had immediately sought the chestnut-haired man out. Even
then, Duo knew it was a mistake letting him in but the hope that Heero’s
sudden appearance rekindled would not be stomped down and he had allowed
the man into his home and even further into his heart. The day the
dark-haired man left, six months later, something inside of him broke
as he realized his true place in Heero’s life. He was the friend
who would always be there, the safety net to catch him if he fell,
keeping him safe and happy until he managed to climb back to the top.
His personal counselor, always ready to listen when he needed to vent
or just have someone to dump his problems on, but never giving anything
back. Far worse though, was being the warm body he knew he could sleep
beside when none other was available. A quick sweep of the apartment only turned up a couple of things he would be taking with him, which just left the matter of leaving an explanation for Heero. Heading into the kitchen, he took a piece of notebook paper to the table and sat down to write the words that were swirling through his head. After a few minutes, he stopped and actually looked at what he wrote surprised at how short it truly ended up being. However, the message delivered what he needed it to, so he folded it and printed Heero’s name on the front, leaving it on the table where the blue-eyed man would easily find it. Then without further hesitation or even a second thought, he walked through the apartment he had lived in since the end of the first war and out the front door. When he reached the sidewalk outside the apartment complex, he allowed himself to look back for a moment, burning the memories of his life there into his mind where he would always cherish them. Then, turning away, he started walking with no particular destination in mind, although there was a real smile on his face and a bounce in his step that had not been there for nearly three and a half years. ******************** Several hours later, Heero finally woke from his deep sleep, stretching languidly before rolling over to pull Duo back into his arms only to find himself alone. With a shrug, he pushed back the covers before throwing his legs off the bed. Fishing around on the floor, he found his boxers and t-shirt, which he slipped on, then went in search of his longhaired lover. Starting in the bathroom, he quickly washed up a bit and brushed his teeth before going through to the living room where there was still no sign of the man. The final stop was the kitchen and Heero stood for a moment in the doorway looking perplexed that he could not find Duo anywhere in the apartment. He had just decided to go finish dressing when a folded piece of paper with his name on it caught his attention. Thinking that Duo probably went out for something and had left the note telling him why, he walked to the table, picked the note up, and read it quickly. However, the words that confronted him caused his knees to buckle underneath him and he found himself sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor, tears streaming down his face as the note fluttered loose from his numb fingers. Heero, I know you’re gonna wake up in a few hours to find me gone and I’m sorry I can’t tell you this in person, but I know the promises you’re gonna make and I want so much to believe that I won’t be able to do what I know I need to if I allow that to happen. I know you don’t mean to hurt me but I can’t do this anymore and even though I’ll always love you, it’s time I started living for myself and it’s time for you to try and figure it out on your own. I will always cherish my time with you; each memory, good or bad, has been engraved on my heart where I’ll never be able to forget. I promise to drop you a line every now and then to let you know I’m still alive, so have a good life and if you get a minute, think about me every now and then. Love always, ps. Tell Trowa, and the others too, I said goodbye. End
Scars by Papa Roach I tear my heart open I’m drunk and I’m feeling down (chorus) I tried to help you once (chorus) I’m drunk and I’m feeling down Go fix yourself I can’t help you fix yourself I can’t help you fix yourself (chorusx2)
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